The
Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away
his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished.
The
first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his
toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The
second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He
walked out with a check
for $960,000.
When
the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure,
he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to the bottom
of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine
general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the
previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension
expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical
officer to do the measuring.
The
medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ‘em. He did.
The
medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and
began
to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”
“The
general replied, “In Vietnam.”
After a weekend
trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from
the helicopter
and onto the White House lawn. He
was carrying two
Arkansas-bred
hawgs, one under each arm. At the
bottom of the
steps, a young
Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said,
“Fine looking
pigs, sir!”
Clinton turned
and glared at the boy. “Son,
don’t you know I’m
from Arkansas?
These ain’t pigs. They’re
hawgs.”
The Marine shot
back, “Marine begs the COMMANDER IN CHIEF’S
pardon, sir!
Fine looking hawgs, sir!”
Clinton smiled
with pride and the young man relaxed.
The President
went on, “Thank you, son. You see
this one here?”
He lifted up the
pig under his right arm. “I got
this one for
Chelsea.”
Then he nodded
to the hawg on his left. “And this one here, I
got for
Hillary.”
At that the
Marine snapped back to attention and said,
“Outstanding
trade, sir!”